Perfectionism is one of the great psychological paradoxes. In its healthy form, perfectionism, leads to success and happiness. But unhealthy perfectionism may pose the greatest threat to a person’s happiness and well-being. Anxiety, depression, obsessive compulsive disorder (OCD) and eating disorders are often the consequences of unhealthy perfectionism.
Experts today distinguish between the term ‘perfectionism’ and the ‘healthy pursuit of excellence.’ Perfectionists believe that they may never make mistakes and that they – and those around them – must perform at the highest standards. They strive for unrealistic goals and consistently feel dissatisfied when they cannot reach them. Perfectionists are full of self-doubts and they fear disapproval, ridicule, or rejection.
Those who pursue for excellence in a healthy way, on the other hand, can do so without compromising their self worth, and they derive pleasure from their efforts despite the imperfect results.
When perfectionism manifests itself in religion, the consequences are wide ranging. Tragically, many adults – and particularly teenagers – from our communities find that their Yiddishkeit is becoming yet another victim to the perfectionist trap.
“Binyomin” was known as a masmid in Yeshiva. His parents gushed every time they spoke to the Rosh Yeshiva. The Maggid Shiur smiled each time Binyomin asked a question. The only person who was not happy was Binyomin himself. If there was a day when he did not understand just one point in the shiur, he would feel as if he did not grasp the entire shiur. He was determined to become a Gadol and nothing was going to deter him. He was plagued with thoughts that he could do better and, although everybody praised him, he could only focus on his failings rather than his successes. After a long day of learning, he refused to relax and succumb to “bittul z’man” before going to bed, instead forcing himself to learn more and to think only pure Torah thoughts. If any impure thoughts came into his mind, he would feel like he was a rasha. He would take on to do an extra perek of mishnayos each week that he did not achieve his goals. The other bachurim envied his piety, especially when they saw Binyomin davening long after they had finished. What they did not know was that Binyomin hated constantly having to repeat many of the words of tefillah, davening in constant fear that he had not pronounced them correctly.
Binyomin found it difficult to cope and stopped being able to get up on time regularly for schacharis. As he saw his perfect image and his lifelong dreams crumbling before him, he became frustrated and started resenting the yeshiva and everything it stood for. By the time I met Binyomin, he was already seriously considering saying goodbye to the yeshiva world.
Perfectionism in Yiddishkeit denies one of the fundamental elements of growth – simchah. Perfectionists are unable to experience the real joys of living a Torah way of life, since they relentlessly focus on their shortcomings instead of their successes. Their prime motivation in serving Hashem is usually fear. When I ask someone like Binyomin to paint an honest picture of how they view Hashem, they will typically describe some terrifying image of a cruel and angry G-d. One bochur once told me that, in his mind, “Hashem is an army commander in green battle fatigues who holds a loaded gun to everyone’s head!” These teenagers therefore see learning and davening as a way to ward off this ‘ever-present form of terrorism’. How sad that for many Yidden, genuine Yiddishkeit – which brings true simchah and fulfilment –is never even considered , never mind experienced.
The key to dealing with this problem is for parents and mechanchim to educate their children with a balanced hashkafah. The image of a harsh and punitive G-d cannot be further from the truth. Hashem is full of kindness, love, understanding, and forgiveness. Chazal (Tosefta Sotah, 4:1) teach that Hashem's measure of kindness is 500 times greater than His retribution.
We need to teach our children that while the other nations of the world base success and rewards entirely on results, Hashem rewards us for effort and perseverance, regardless of how perfect the end result is. We need to teach them to be realistic in their goals, and that true growth is sustainable growth. And we need to teach them that shleimus is a lifelong journey of aiming to reach our potential, and there will invariably be challenges and obstacles along the way..
But we also have to take a look at ourselves. Rav Shimon Pincus ztz”l used to describe the love Hashem has for us as being infinitely greater than the love that a most loving father has for a child. Yet what if a child has never experienced a loving father? What if a child grows up with parents (the first and primary authority figures for all children) who are callous and unfairly punitive? Is it not understandable that he will come to see the ultimate “Authority Figure” in the same negative light?
But this dangerous form of perfectionism isn’t just limited to problems in Yiddishkeit.
For “Mrs. Katz,” inviting guests for Friday night was no ordinary matter. She would spend many hours cleaning the house to what she considered a “perfect” standard, and even then she would notice some imperfections. For example, she recalled on one occasion spending six hours vacuuming, scrubbing floors, and cleaning the windows. Then she saw some streaks on the windows and started cleaning these spots again in an attempt to get the house looking perfect. Having spent so much time cleaning, Mrs. Katz ran out of time to prepare the food. Throughout the meal her children could see that their mother was very stressed and anxious. When the dessert cake came out a bit lopsided, her husband knew that he would have to spend the next few days desperately persuading his unhappy wife that she was not a failure in any way.
Perfectionism causes low self-esteem.. Perfectionists see their own self-worth tied in to what they achieve, and they believe that others judge them on this criterion as well. Because they are never satisfied with their achievements, they can never live up to the standards they set for themselves. This can lead to a downward spiral of self-criticism and blame.
“Yossi” was desperate for a promotion at work even though he had only been at his new accounting firm for five months. He worked around the clock despite his wife begging him to spend more time with the family. Friends became unimportant and he saw no point in doing any pleasurable activities anymore. Yossi was constantly comparing his performance with that of his colleagues. Even when he was praised by his manager, he frequently thought he should be doing better. He believed that he could only be a ‘somebody’ if he achieved the increase in status that a promotion would inevitably bring. When the next promotion was given to someone with more experience, he was devastated and decided to resign from his job. In his mind, Yossi saw himself as a complete failure and so he refused to apply for any new jobs. The negative effects of perfectionism were all too evident.
Five months later Yossi was referred to me suffering with clinical depression.
Perfectionism is closely linked to procrastination. A perfectionist might not start a new project until he or she has found the perfect way to approach it. Because of this, perfectionists often fall behind in their work, which can affect their reputation and their work relationships.
The key to overcoming perfectionism is for the sufferer to realize that there is a viable alternative, striving for excellence rather than perfection. Not surprisingly, perfectionists are reluctant to subscribe to this new belief system.
They are afraid that this will cause them to become self-indulgent and will take away their drive and ambition. They believe self-criticism is what keeps them in line. How wrong they are. I work with perfectionists to show them that when their entire sense of self-worth is based on being productive and successful, when failure is simply not allowed, then their striving to achieve instead becomes tyrannical. Striving for excellence rather than perfectionism offers the greatest chance of real success and happiness. We need to recognize the harsh and unhealthy form of perfectionism as an illness and be prepared to seek professional help when necessary.
The opposite of perfection is not imperfection or mediocrity. It is reality. It is self-acceptance. A person who can work with reality and be self-accepting can cope with the inevitable mistakes, flaws, hiccups, and wrinkles. We are then able to use those “failures” not only to learn perseverance, but to start again more effectively. The more we open ourselves to the legitimacy of making mistakes, the faster we learn to progress from them and the quicker we can grow.
Copyright © by Yaakov Barr
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