Q) I am lucky that a few of my married children have invited me to stay over with them for Chanuka. I am a single mother as my husband passed away from illness a few years ago. Since I have been alone, I usually tend to go to my oldest son for Yomim Tovim as he is the most easy-going and has a lovely wife, with whom I get on so well. A couple of my other single children bitterly complain that I always favour my oldest son and my married daughter admitted to me that she goes for therapy for this problem. This particular daughter has a child with special needs, and I know she needs me more in her life, yet her more difficult nature is certainly a put off for me.
What am I meant to do? It’s true that I do enjoy being with my oldest son and his wife more than my other children and I’ll admit that they give me the most nachas. My daughter in law is American and she is a lot of fun. Why shouldn’t I enjoy Chanuka with them? Please can you advise.
I love this question because it touches on such a vital area of parenting, but I’m not convinced you will love my answer!
Let’s first understand the issue of child favourites before connecting it to your particular circumstances.
A) If I were to ask most parents “which of your children is your favourite?”, they would instinctively and indignantly reply ‘none!’. But there is a wide range of research indicating that many parents do indeed have a favourite child. Is this a problem? That depends on the definition of ‘favourite child’. If it means you connect to a particular child more easily, due to similar or complementary personalities, or they remind you of a particularly loved relative, it is unnecessary to ‘work on’ this feeling. Better still, you can respond to it positively by accepting how you feel about this child and using it as a learning opportunity to gain insight into and discover aspects of your own self. You may want to consider the following questions. What is it about your favourite child that makes you feel the way you do? Are there weaknesses or vulnerabilities within yourself that this child compensates? Are the currencies in which you value this particular child something you yourself have failed to acquire? Do you favour the easy child because it reduces the responsibility upon you and permits a greater freedom to parent less? Becoming connected to your subconscious motivations and drives will help you as a parent create a more balanced relationship with all your children.
It’s when we love a child more than another, outwardly displaying favouritism to one child over another, that the entire family fabric is in jeopardy. Study after study (most notably in the Journal of Marriage and Family, 2018) have shown that depression, low self-esteem, unhealthy relationships and substance abuse are strongly linked to a child not feeling unconditionally loved and when parents show favouritism. In truth we don’t need to rely on psychology studies to tell us this. The Gemorah in Shabbos (10a) warns that ‘one should not favour one child over another, because Yaakov favoured Yosef by making for him a multi-coloured coat, which caused jealousy and resulted in the descent into Egypt’. What the Gemorah is teaching us is that we might not be able to control feelings, but we can control actions and our behaviour. It was the act of giving the coat to Yosef that caused the jealousy and strife. What greater threat to a child’s self-esteem than when a parent decides they are less deserving of love than another child?
Unfortunately, the ramifications of being devalued in early life stay with a person and can impact their entire future. I once saw a client whom I knew to be a well-known Torah personality. He was emotionally exhausted and struggling to continue what was, on the outside, a very successful life. I’ll never forget his own insight into the situation in which he found himself. He described how his mother openly favoured his older brother, considering the rest of his siblings second rate. Since then, he had spent 40 years trying to prove to himself, his wife, the world and his now very elderly mother that he is worthy. Holding back his tears, he said ‘no matter what I do, what I achieve, it’s simply never ever enough’.
Now, with this understanding, let’s apply it to your question. You can have feelings towards favourites, perhaps a sense of ease and comfortability, but you cannot openly favour or love one child over another. Unfortunately, though, you are doing so. Aside from your question admitting as much, I get my clues from the feelings of your other children - resentment. When children are pitted against each other, resentment is always the result. This is not an indictment on them, and it’s absolutely not a lack of middos, rather a natural consequence to openly choosing one child over another. Surprising to many, and something I see often, is that the favoured child also loses. They often have difficulty with failure and constantly feel a pressure to maintain their five-star rating. This is quite apart from the strain of difficult relationships with the less favoured siblings.
I’m sure you love your children, but it sounds like some of your parenting is causing them a lot of deeply felt pain. If you genuinely want to create a more harmonious family setting, then please consider making the following four changes.
1. Be willing to be honest and frank and express your sincerest regrets to your children that at times you may not have been fully balanced in the way you have treated them. Tell them that although the past cannot be erased, you are going to be trying very hard to change your approach from now on.
2. Consider each child and their individual needs. You can’t always be completely fair but spread your energy and resources as best you can across all the children. Therefore, the decision as to whom you go to for Chanuka and Yomim Tovim must be made, solely based with this objective in mind and no other.
3. Involve yourself in the lives of each child. Not only will this develop your own emotional connection and bond with them, but it will make them feel unconditionally special and loved. From my own personal experience, as a father of a child with special needs, please spend some quality time with your daughter and her ‘special’ child. They need your understanding and love now more than ever.
4. Please, please, do not compare your children. Each one of your children is unique, each one is different and, if you allow it, each one will shine rays of light on your own life.
Wishing you a good Chanuka and only much nachas from all your family.
Copyright © by Yaakov Barr
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